Commonly Cited Problems with the Game of Football and Proposed Solutions to Those Problems

PROBLEM: Mismatched teams make games uncompetitive.

SOLUTION: Adjust team sizes according to the quality of the players involved; a team might field 11 excellent players, 30 mediocre players or 100 rank amateurs. Squads featuring physically- and/or mentally-handicapped players would qualify for a points bonus.

PROBLEM: The traditional scoring system does not always reflect the quality of a performance.

SOLUTION: Introduce a new system, whereby points are awarded by panels of judges according to the aesthetic merit of a goal. Supplementary points may be earned through excellence in other areas of play: passes, tackles, throw-ins et cetera; kit-design, physical allure, exceptional violent conduct et cetera.

PROBLEM: There are too many football matches; following the sport is difficult, monotonous and time-consuming.

SOLUTION: Consolidate the games of each season -- domestic and international -- into an annual super-game, featuring every team in the world. This super-game will last for one week, and will be conducted on the surface of the moon; 'Football Week' will be a global holiday for all non-participants.

PROBLEM: Some people find football inherently boring.

SOLUTION: Replace all football viewing-- both televised and live -- with reruns of Will & Grace.