Cocaine-negative cocaine habit

I was browsing pseudo-news items the other day and came across a razor-sharp insight into the world of substance abuse. Opera superstar Katherine Jenkins recently revealed that she dabbled with cocaine in her early 20s, just after her arrival in London from the Middle Ages (Wales). She quickly cleaned up when her career started to take off, but the experience was educational: apparently, coke made her feel temporarily “powerful”, but the highs were followed by feelings of depression and paranoia.

I’ve never sampled the drug in question,* ** but reading this revealing explanation of its effects struck a chord – it exactly describes my experience of day-to-day life! From this I’ve deduced that I have a cocaine habit, but it’s a cocaine-negative cocaine habit. This probably means that there’s some sort of anti-cocaine substance, produced naturally in most people’s bodies, which I lack for some reason. It’s just like Diabetes!

Alternatively, a friend suggested that I may have developed an Obelix disorder, whereby I’ve taken on the symptoms of cocaine use permanently, as a result of being dropped into a cauldron of the stuff as a baby. For those of you who don’t know your Asterix the Gaul, this implies that taking more cocaine will give me bona fide super powers, and yuppie super powers at that.

After a three-day blackout I wake up behind the wheel of a convertible in Central Square, smoking a cigar made out of rolled-up $100 bills. There are mobile phones strapped over each of my ears, through which the newly separated hemispheres of my brain are arguing about dinner reservations. I stop the car in order to check the boot for dismembered fashion models, only to find that I’m actually wired into the driver’s seat.

A bulge starts to develop in the crotch of my trousers, and to my horror it just keeps growing, without obvious stimulation. Finally, the material rips apart to reveal that my genitals have been replaced with an old-fashioned stock ticker; reams and reams of inked tape explode into the sky, bearing messages from somewhere deep down inside: ‘BAC 7.49, -0.83’; ‘MKTSTP 100, +100’; ‘C 4.09, +0.26’; ‘KLLMNW 100, +100’.

It's basically Wall Street as written and directed by David Cronenberg.

*Amendment - February 2009: Now I have. It gave me a mild headache.
** Amendment 2 - November 2009: I tried it again and it made me have anal sex with a man.