Captain Finn, continued

Captain Finn the Wine-tasting Robot stood victorious over the body of his defeated foe, icy winds whipping about him like the feverish tails of a thousand cat’o’nines, each and all hell-bent on his destruction. He did not flinch; he was a robot. The eyes of Charles Manson’s Digitised Brain Downloaded into the Body of a Cloned Dinosaur stared up at him from the ice block in which they and the rest of Charles Manson’s Digitised Brain Downloaded into the Body of a Cloned Dinosaur’s body had been trapped. “Malice,” said Captain Finn, correctly identifying the emotion that they, the eyes, transmitted, “with perhaps an undertone of sadness.”

Their battle had lasted for almost a fortnight. Initially, there had been many hundreds of combatants: savage natives, wild dogs, a retired pro-wrestler seeking to promote his comeback, and several curious teenagers from the nearby town. All had fallen asunder, staining the tundra red with the redness of their red blood’s redness. After sixteen hours of the shedding of that blood, only Captain Finn and Charles Manson’s Digitised Brain Downloaded into the Body of a Cloned Dinosaur, his arch nemesis, had remained. Then the real fighting had begun.

Captain Finn had offered to shake hands, seeing as how it was a special occasion, but Charles Manson’s Digitised Brain Downloaded into the Body of a Cloned Dinosaur had exploited this gesture of goodwill by handcuffing him to a tractor. Fortunately, the tractor was made from metal, the same substance from which Captain Finn’s robot body was fashioned, and he had been able to free himself by breaking it with force. Thereafter, the two had fought tooth and claw, although Captain Finn, who possessed neither teeth nor claws, had been at a distinct disadvantage. Had it not been for his massively superior strength and resilience, he might not have prevailed, and this story would be about how Charles Manson’s Digitised Brain Downloaded into the Body of a Cloned Dinosaur was standing over the frozen body of his arch-nemesis, Captain Finn the Wine-tasting Robot. Suffice it to say, though, that Captain Finn did win, and conclusively, albeit after two weeks of non-stop fighting.

The reason the battle had lasted so long was that time in the Scottish Isles* is not linear, but concertina-shaped.

“You were a valiant opponent,” intoned Captain Finn, “thank you for your time.” He turned to go. “Wait!” cried out Charles Manson’s Digitised Brain Downloaded into the Body of a Cloned Dinosaur, for whom talking was now difficult. Captain Finn turned back. “I just wanted to tell you,” continued Charlie, each word a bucket of agony poured into a sea of excruciating pain, “that you deserve everything you get. Good and bad.” “Thank you,” replied Captain Finn, as he set off home, leaving his frozen foe to die, once and for all, in the lonesome wastes of a blasted arctic frozen world.

*Obviously, that's where the battle was happening.