Sounds like a pickle

Dear Advice Andy,

I recently got my girlfriend pregnant. Well I think it was me who did it – I asked her for proof and her eyes went all big and she went home immediately (do you think she might be lying?). Anyway, if it is mine (the zygote or whatever) what should I do? I’m not the father type – my dad’s a total loser and I’d probably just get to be the same right? It’s psychological so what’s the point fighting it?

The problem is that my girlfriend doesn’t want to have an abortion because her mum is Catholic and doesn’t like them. I mean she totally hates them. I tried to tell her (my girlfriend) that Catholics are just people who didn’t get the memo about science happening, but she’s scared of her mum, who I think does weird rituals and stuff – she might even be a witch (can Catholics be witches?).

I checked on the internet and you can get really good abortions for pretty cheap without having to go through all the doctors and stuff, so I figured she could stop her mum from finding out. However, she’s still kind of reluctant about it. How can I change her mind? I guess that’s my question.

Thanks for the help,
P.

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Dear P.,

Sounds like a pickle, but don’t worry, I’ll get you through! The first thing you need to do is get on down to the nearest chemist’s and pick up a bottle of ether. Don’t let them swindle you on those new pills and ointments – ether is what you want. After that, you’ll need a good claw hammer (if you don’t have one already, buy one – they have 1000 uses!), some plastic sheeting and a box of fishing lures. (Marijuana cigarettes may come in handy too, but these are optional, and they're not available in stores.)

To begin with, you’ll have to lull your girlfriend into a false sense of security (if she managed to get pregnant by accident, she should already be pretty close). Try buying her some flowers (I forgot to mention the flowers!) – red roses are best, not because women like them particularly but because they know that men think they do, so when a man buys a woman red roses she figures he’s being really thoughtful. Also, try to talk to her really gently about feelings and things, and maybe stroke her neck or arm.

Once she’s good and secure (or so she thinks!), grab that bottle of ether and just whack her in the head with it as hard as you can. Try to get it to break – that way you’ll get ether all over her, which’ll probably help knock her out somewhat. Drive her out to the woods and just do what comes naturally. Trust your instincts – men have been dealing with unwanted pregnancies since the dawn of time, so you can’t go far wrong.

Good luck!
Advice Andy