Saturday, 19 September 2009

Punching Donkeys on the Sea in the Absolute Absence of Donkeys (if You Get Where I'm Coming from)

Ho ho ho! So we're out here again on the boat looking at the sea which is emerald green and sapphire blue and shines like fresh-spit saliva and we're soaking up the sun like there's a law and checking out these chicks we picked up in town who look like they're almost ready to start humping each other for our delectation and plying them good and proper with the juice of the vine when suddenly there's this like enormous CRASH noise and we all take a look around and realise that the boat's ploughed headlong into this fucking massive rock which is so fucking HUGE that we didn't even see it coming like it was too big to process or something and then we realise that a couple of the girls got knocked overboard by the force of the impact and their friends are spazzing out like they're on a truly egregious acid trip all flailing their arms and screeching and going HELP HELP SAVE MY FRIENDS! and this is just a major distraction sorry but it's true and so we have to pacify them with the chloroform that we'd brought along just for emergencies and once that's been sorted out we start to hear the wailing of the girls who are in the sea and want help getting out and we throw over a life preserver but it's defective or something because it just sinks straight away and then someone points out that it wasn't so much a life preserver as an anchor but no one can find a life preserver so we throw over a couple of cushions to help make them more comfortable only they've got chloroform on them somehow and the girls in the sea wind up passing out and floating away and then the coast guard turns up and we have to bribe them SO MUCH CASH MONEY to sort it all out that I can't afford to fly to Rome like I'd been intending to and have to go home a week early. Which is a major drag.

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