Sunday, 22 November 2009

A Charitable House Call

I’m watching some of the oddest porn in the history of human civilisation. Skinny Boy is a virgin at 21 and he’s emailed Porn Starlet asking her to divest him of his shame. She, oddly enough, has agreed. So after a bizarre introduction in which he performs various sex-themed exercises (blowing up a sex doll, putting on condoms…press-ups) the two of them get down to it. Which entails about 10 minutes of her trying to get his camera-shy cock hard in absolute, eerie silence.

She finally gives up on actually touching him and resorts to having him masturbate while she sits with her legs open by his side, affording him a downright gynaecological view of her genitalia. The strangest part is that the camera doesn’t mimic his perspective; you just get a shot of her right leg and his embarrassed face peeking at the secret, sexy treasure behind it.

Eventually Skinny Boy achieves something in the order of an erection; he enters Porn Starlet; he exits; he comes on her face. “Woo!” she cries. “You did it!” The camera pulls back to show him kneeling naked over her. “I did it,” he lamely echoes. Then they’re lying side by side and he’s delivering a stilted message of thanks. Then he's wading fully clothed into the sea. No shit.

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